23 May 2008

hey world...

i am what i am.

have you ever had a moment of clarity? i did last night.

manlyman had not been home from work for 15 minutes when i asked him to look at this video from wicked i'd found on youtube. just this one i said.

2 hours later he was still watching videos i'd found. i felt this gentle tug behind me, pulling me slightly out of the moment. i looked to my left, & saw this man willingly watching showtune after showtune with me. for me. he was there, & he was present. his eyes weren't glazed, his face showed no sign of being bored out of his skull.

don't get me wrong - manlyman has nothing against musicals, he enjoys them on occasion. they just aren't his favorite genre. he isn't the one who dreams in them. of them. about them. there were a kajillion other things he would have rather been doing, or watching; but he sat with me instead. he probably knew that there would be more than just that one video when he sat down; even though i really did mean just one. i always do mean just one.

in that moment i realized he does things like that all the time.

he'll look up from a golf an art magazine; for the umpteenth time; to listen to me read a paragraph about grammar, or an entire chapter on how the english language came to be. these things don't fascinate him in the least - they're my bit of freak. still he looks up, & listens without a hint of not caring in his demeanor. he never says a word when i say that i'm going to listen to music with my headphones, but not to worry because i won't be singing along. i always mean it, but i always end up singing at the top of my lungs. afterward i apologize, & he says that he enjoyed listening to me sing. he even sounds as though he means it.

i am not saying he should be marked for sainthood - oh no. the man does not understand the lure of the dollar store, he neither oohs nor aahs when i show him my treasures from an afternoon thrift-shopping, he doesn't crave any food of any kind ever, he doesn't believe that i really am allergic to doing the dishes, there are golf art things strewn from one end of the belfry to the other...

i think what i'm saying is that i saw that he takes me for who i am. he accepts my freaks, & sees them as a part of the whole. i was going to say as part of the package, but that just sounded a tad dirty for the middle of the day. or is that just where my mind goes? no need to come out of lurkdom to answer that question - it was rhetorical.

it comes down to acceptance. i learned (the hard way) a few years ago to look at my friends, & decide if the quality of love & friendship they offered was worth the freak they brought along for the ride. if i were to gather my nearest & dearest today it would look like a freak convention to be sure - but they are truly worth it all.

the other side of that is that i need to be accepted. i need to know that the people to whom i entrust my love & friendship accept me in spite of the freaks i bring along. usually i feel that they do, but lately not with everyone.

i digress. the point of this post; yes there was a point originally; is that i think i'm pretty damned lucky. manlyman knows i'm flawed. he knows my freaks better than i - he knows it all & accepts it all. it's like having permission 24-7 to just be me! hey world, i am lucky indeed.

~peace.

6 comments:

maltagirl said...

what a lovely post mama. you do deserve to have that in your life. we all do but it is hard to find. So happy to call such an intelligent woman my friend! you rock sista.

kat said...

thanks for the lovely words soap!
the feeling is mutual :-)
& yes i do rock - now that i have "guitar hero 3" hahaha!
~peace.

~Phaedra~ said...

Freaky Mama central! that's what i luv about you and all your funny thingems!! Great post....

kat said...

thanks for the love miss oddsox :-)
i love your thingems too. wait... that's not some naughty britspeak is it?
~peace.

rubelin said...

oh, momma, that was beautiful, you made me cry...

yeah, being loved for all your freaks is worth not getting everything you want.

kat said...

thanks sweet rubelin!
sorry i made ya cry :-(

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