13 May 2008

the way to a kat's heart....

... is through her stomach. manlyman learned this long ago, & the last few days has been getting to my heart big time! for mama's day he brought me home half a dozen gourmet cupcakes from here. he also surprised me with dinner at my favorite monglolian bbq place. then last night he liberated an eclair from the golf tournament art show he played in attended yesterday. i'm not usually an eclair gal, but the pastry on this one was flaky, & on the dry side... much nicer than the donuty ones i've had in the past. the last few days have seen the expansion of my heart & my arse. i do love that man of mine.
* to those who have asked why i keep referring to manlyman's tournies as art shows: yes i am supportive of his passion, i'm just in denial. *

on a serious note: with the tens upon tens of thousands of people who've died from cyclone nargis, & now china's quake, i find myself unable to shake the sadness. i'm sure many of you feel the same. how is it that i can go about my days, complaining about the rising gas prices, about my child not putting away his toys, about anything? how is it that it takes the lives of millions of strangers being ripped apart... to see how blessed i am in my complaints? when did complaining become a luxury? i suppose it always has been, i've only just noticed.

i've been thinking a lot about those strangers, mourning for them, hoping for them. i must be honest & tell you that when i do think of them, i try not to think for long. if i do, i find that the sadness quickly overwhelms me, & paralyzes me with fear. another luxury. to be able to stop thinking about horror & grief.

the past few weeks i'd been doing a bit of soul-searching; wondering why things were feeling so out of sorts, wondering what was going on, or why it seemed as though things weren't right in my world. these two tragedies have increased that tenfold. especially the quake in china. i do not mean that i care less for the cyclone victims... it's just that earthquakes hold a special fear for me. i've lived through two large quakes, & can recall both experiences in absolute, frightening detail. i would like my child to grow very old without ever having had a large quake touch his life.

what i realized this morning is that the soul-searching was doing more harm than good. i wasn't able to figure out what was wrong, or why things seemed wrong. all i was doing was focusing vast amounts of energy on things that were hurting me. for now i will take advantage of another luxury - i'll move on. if the soul-searching wasn't working? i'll move on. if i'm just imagining that my world is off kilter? i'll move on. if things truly are not right? i'll move on. what else can i do?

what next? well i shall still think of those millions of strangers. how could i not? how could any of us not? i hope to not let thoughts of them overwhelm me though. i also hope to not focus on things in my world that overwhelm. i definitely know where my focus needs to be, & that is with my sweet hobbit. the best luxury of all! today i dragged my sleepy arse hopped out of bed, & read a few chapters with him. before coffee! how is that for focus? i know i'll have days where i delve into my soul for answers that won't come, but i'm now more aware, so i know they won't be many.

i hope you too have all the luxuries of a blessed life. the luxuries that really matter at any rate. plus cupcakes.


alison said...

How wonderful it is that you are able to put your thoughts out there for others to read.
I often find that the answers pop up when I'm least expecting them. You can spend days trying to figure out why but when the answers reveal themselves to you is amazing how it all fits into place.
By the way, my husband has just discovered 'art shows'. He got a set of clubs from his Dad and now there's no stopping him! Am I about to become a golfing widow?

kat said...

thank you alison.

i'm sorry to hear of your husband & the art world. i'll think good thoughts for you ;-)

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